Confused and Overwhelmed

Two words that accurately define me right now are confused and overwhelmed. I find myself at a place in my life where things seem to be turning in many different directions. For the past few months, I've struggled with who I really am in God, what my purpose and calling are, what God wants me to do. In addition to the ministry side of me, much of my secular job situations are changing as well. I've been offered two different positions in the company over the past three months, both of which would change the course of my family financially. One position would be a drop in pay for a year and then a major pay increase would occur and the other would be an instant pay increase (fairly sizable at that). What to do? I'm ready to move forward and do what it is that God has planned. Right now its just a waiting on God time in our lives. Whatever the outcome, I'm waiting on God. So for the moment, being confused and overwhelmed is where I am at. But even still, God is leading me into something deeper, something more than I've ever known before. It's a heavy feeling, an uncomfortable position, but beautiful. The title of a song comes to mind, Broken and Beautiful. I understand it more and more as the time goes on. I don't know what will happen, but I'm trusting God to do what it is He wants with me. I'm empty God, come fill me.

Shift Conference 2008

First off, I know its been a long, long time since I last posted. Sorry to all of my adoring fans waiting for some new word of wisdom. I hate to disappoint you if you are truly waiting for wise words because you probably have stumbled onto the wrong blog. Anyway, I wanted to post today about my experience so far at the Shift Conference at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, IL (thanks Hayley for encouraging me to come because it is worth it already). First off can you say enormous! This church is ridiculously huge. I'm so glad that I didn't have to go very far on campus today or else I may have been lost for quite a while. The first session started off with Brian McClaren talking about world-wide crises that we as the church need to engage. It was a good way to kick off the conference. I forgot to mention that Charlie Hall led worship at each of the three sessions today. That was awesome! Can we say massive goatee? He almost looked Jewish, a la David Crowder. The second session was led by Mark Yaconelli. I really, really enjoyed this. He talked about getting away from all of the processes, the forms, and the schedules that we get so tied down to and allowing God to empty us so He can use us. He used the passage of Scripture from Luke 5 where a crowd pressed Jesus and He went into an empty fishing boat and taught the crowd. Then he told the fishermen who worked and toiled all night to go back out and let down there nets again and they caught so many fish that both boats began to sink. Then Peter uttered these words, "Oh, Lord, please leave me—I’m too much of a sinner to be around You." He was essentially saying, "Jesus I can't do this. I'm not good enough or gifted enough. I'm empty, just like my boat was." Mike said that it is this type of person God wants to use right now to speak into the lives of students and lead them into a genuine relationship with God, a relationship that leads them to do more than just exist but rather to live out their faith. Amazing stuff! The last session was led by Shane Claiborne, a native of Tennessee (so at least I was able to hear another southern accent than my own). He talked about moving from a condemning, condescending Christianity where we exclude people to being led by grace and love, seeing with new eyes. Everything seemed to go hand-in-hand today. I pray the rest of the week is as good as today, if not better. I'll be back with more info later.

When Heaven Is Silent

Have you ever had one of those times when it seemed like all of Heaven was silent? It's usually in these times that you really needed to hear from God isn't it? What do you do when nothing seems to be happening, when the Word of God seems to be quiet and the Holy Spirit seems miles away? I wish I could tell you that these times never happen to true believers, but I would be lying. Some of the darkest, most difficult moments as a Christ follower come when you seem to hear, see, or feel nothing at all. Where is God in all of this? Why the haunting silence from the One you need to hear from the most. While I don't have all of the answers (and I even question sometimes whether I have any answers at all), I do know that God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us. That's comforting to know in these times. It doesn't erase the fact that we question and agonize over these times though. I think it's safe to say that we've all been there, crying out to God only to hear nothing in return. Why would a God who loves us so much be so silent when we need Him the most? These questions aren't random thoughts from someone untouched by the quietness of a great God in difficult moments. These questions are born out of experience (past, present, and I'm sure future), out of a heart longing to know, longing to hear from the One who spoke everything into existence, the voice of the One who spoke and the mountains trembled. I long to hear and know Him, truly know Him. In my moments of frustrated silence I've discovered that it is in these times that God shouts the loudest. Many times we can't hear Him because we don't want to hear what He has to say or because we've convinced ourselves that we've slid so far past where God is and where He is moving and speaking that we miss the times He is speaking directly in our situations. C.S. Lewis says, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." That puts a whole new perspective on the trying times. Maybe I'm glutton for punishment, but if it means going through these times of silence for someone to see God and come to know Him, then I'll sing along with Mercy Me as they declare, "Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus, bring the rain."

Who needs sleep anyway?

The older I get the more I understand that sleep is a luxury not a necessity. Ever since my son was nine months old I haven't had a full night's sleep without an interruption of some sort. It usually involves getting juice for Micah or bath room runs for him at 2 am. It was just something I got used to. Over the last few months, however, there was a ray of hope glistening on the horizon. Micah was drinking less and less juice and waking up less frequently throughout the night. I was so excited at the thoughts of not waking up to hear, "Daddy, I want some juice". About two weeks ago it happened. Micah slept through the night without any juice! I was certain that this would be the beginning of my full night's sleep. Boy was I mistaken. No sooner had we broken Micah from his juice addiction than Mia started waking up for a drink addiction all her own. Psalm 127:2 promises that God gives sleep to those He loves. This leads me to wonder what I've done to get on the naughty list. Maybe one day I'll get to sleep all throughout the night but until then I guess I'll keep on filling sippy cups of juice and water. Besides, who needs sleep anyway?